Disclaimer: When it comes to dating or marriage, it's personal. I can't quite put my finger on whether there's a right or wrong way to go about it. Marriage is not my lane, I haven’t turned my whip down that road. 💅🏽However, my parents have been married over 30 years--so I definitely know what one looks like. With that noted, I am not a professional match maker, love guru or relationship therapist. I am simply sharing with you my personal journey, thoughts, experience and wisdom on why I've chosen to put love on pause (at 30 years old). I hope my message finds a woman who simply needs a different viewpoint so she can embark on a different approach.
Hey girl heeeyy!! So let’s take a quick glimpse on my dating timeline. When I turned 20 I became a serial dater. I had two serious relationships in which one of them I got engaged—yay and then nay! The other, I had my rugrat--best decision ever! The first serious relationship lasted from 21-23 and the other lasted on and off from 25-28–this was the last relationship--abruptly ended by the car accident. However, the in between times I wasn’t in a relationship, I was on a date with someone new. I never and I repeat “NEVER” took time to be by myself. When a relationship ended, I was back on the scene trying to find the next one or “The One.”
When, I reflect back, I kick myself for giving away my freedom in relationships. You might be thinking..what does she mean by that? Okay grab some chips and lets get right into it. I hear, see and have experienced the part in a relationship where it takes a lot of sacrifice in order to successfully keep it. Sidenote: it takes a lot of other ingredients..but we are going to focus on the cuss word "SACRIFICE." Now, when sacrifice comes into play--the real question is-- To whom goes the sacrifice? The majority of time it's--The Woman. You see, it's one thing, if both parties are putting off personal goals to take several steps back (in order to soar forward) towards a bigger goal. It's another thing, if one of the two parties is putting their life "on hold" so that the other can live out their best life--towards a bigger goal. For me, I jumped into that fucking trick bag one too many times. Initially, it works out great. However, as time goes on it begins to feel like what you're doing doesn't hold any comparison to what they're doing. Oh, and don't think about ever arguing because you will constantly hear those tired ass questions like-- "What the hell are you doing, everyday?" or "What are you bringing to the table?"---And you be thinking, "The hell he just say to me? Does he not see these damn kids? That damn food on the stove? His damn clothes clean and folded up? The damn house spic and span? Etc..." Right?!?-exactly why I say the minute you fall into that lopsided deal, is the minute you meet unhappiness. Also, understand, the other person meets unhappiness, too. So, you think how could they be unhappy when you're the one sacrificing?-- Well, no one technically wants to feel like their 100% taking care of their lover (even if they say they want to--LIES!) Let's look into a quick example---his birthday is coming up and you only have three options: to make him a noodle face on a plate, draw him a picture of the family or ask him for money (so you can buy him a gift). Ha! if you choose option 3--trust he knows it was his money that bought the gift. Which translates to he treated himself well for his birthday and you didn't. So, do you really think he's going to appreciate that...Yikes! Try again.
I, unfortunately, was in these type of relationships, twice. Now, I didn't go into these relationships this way. I was always in the midst of building my business. However, I had never (until now at 30) stayed on a straight course of building it because I let other people tell me what I should be doing as opposed to following my own heart and judgement. Let, me be crystal clear when I say this..I FAULT and take full accountability for letting go of my freedom to sacrifice for someone else's happiness. Again, it is one thing, if everyone is "clearly" sacrificing. It is another, when one person is sitting alone doing the majority of it. So, could you imagine what I really had to my name after my son's father was in a traumatic accident that instantly made me a single mom. I had to start all over at 28 years old and with a dependent (my son) this time. Damn, damn, damn! This is why one should never put their life in the hands of someone else to take care of! YES, it is easier to not have to worry about the weight of the world. However, at the end of the day girl, you need to know where your shit is coming from. Point blank and period. Take it from me when I say no one could have paid me a million dollars to believe just three weeks after popping out my son--his father was going to get in an accident that would instantly leave me a single mom.
So, we are two and a half years later and I get asked (often) if I'm dating or have I started dating again? To be honest, I tried for a short lived minute--but quickly realized this wasn't the season or time for it. When my son turned one month, I reunited and married my business. I've made more successes out of it in such a short period of time then I had ever done. I'm making the most money now than I'd ever made, before. Had I not let go of my business back and forth to pursue relationships, I would be a millionaire by now. So, I'm playing catch up.
I've consciously made my mind up that I was not focusing on dating until I was complete as a woman. In addition, I'm not rushing into a relationship because of needing something such as help with my bills, an extra income or help raising my son. I'm on NO hunt for a father figure for him. Shiittt--I don't want him to get older and be like I hated my stepfather because he really was focused on my mother and just put up with me--uuhh, skrrrt, not happening! I've set my son in a position to receive father figure benefits without me having to sleep with someone for that. I'm not interested in going out here and securing someone else's bag. I'm only interested in securing my own bags. When I see my peers having children and getting married to their fathers, I feel happy and do not despise them. I do not want what they have. I want what I have. I rest in the promises and dreams God gave me to fulfill. My path is different and I'm secure with understanding that.
To conclude, I don't have it all figured out--at all. I'm just turning 30 and have a lot more to embark on. However, what I've come to start figuring out is what self-love ❤️ is all about. Having that key ingredient makes you move differently in your choices and decisions. It's the difference between dancing real hard (breaking a sweat) and grooving. When you groove to the beat, you're taking your time and can see what's going on. When you dance hard as hell, you're out of breath and blinded by your own sweat. It will be a while from now, however, I'm clear that the next time I partake in a relationship, it will be because it's a healthy addition to me and my son's life and simply for no other reason.
From one single mom to another---don't let your light dim!
P.S. I am going to leave you with my best friends advice, "Have your own shit, sis!" Let me add my two cents real quick...Go out there (single mom and all) and collect your💰💰bags..You want Gucci, go get Gucci. You want to build your own house--don't wait to get married to do it, go pick out the lot and start working on your plan. You want your fucking PhD..then get to studying and enroll! Your attitude should go a little something like this--"For everything they say I can't do, they're right..I can do better!" Make yourself proud--you're the only one that holds the key to doing it! #oookkuuurr (pops gum, rolls eyes and drops mic)